Writin' Songs

by The Funny Uncles

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Modern commercial jingles for corporate America.


released September 19, 2016

Recorded and Performed by Drew Danburry & JR Boyce.
Released by Related Records.
Album Art by JR Boyce.




Drew Danburry Provo, Utah

Drew Danburry is a musician who played over 750 live shows around the world and released records independently from 2004- 2010. He received attention from blogs and websites such as NPR, Stereogum, Daytrotter, Magnet Magazine, Said the Gramophone, and the 405.

In 2011, he opened the Danburry Barber Shop in Provo, Utah and currently works full time as a barber. He still records and releases music.
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Track Name: Pepsi
It's not a problem it's really more a habit
I'm not an addict I get headaches all the time
But if you have a Pepsi in your fridge, I'd gladly have it
My body hurts I'm gonna lose my mind
Depression, nausea, pain and constipation
Depression, nausea and pain
Track Name: Kraft
Kraft cheese isn't cheese
Kraft food isn't food
And they'll spend millions to avoid labeling
And hope you don't find out just what their products do cause
Kraft cheese isn't cheese
Kraft food isn't food
Track Name: Nabisco
Everything's just like this cookie
Simple black and white
Hey buddy that's my wife
You're doing the twist with my goddamn wife
In my goddamn kitchen too
Where we keep the goddamn Oreos.
Track Name: Johnson & Johnson
Johnson & Johnson have a big johnson
And oh how they do love to wield it
They gather their lather without too much blather
Moisturizing as fast as they can
Track Name: Red Bull
Red Bull, kickflip, murder, tacos
nollie blunt switch shove it tailslide crail grab 720 heelflip manual
Tony Hawk
Red Bull, sweet bros, Starcraft, Bam Margera, Travis Pastrana
Red Bull
Track Name: Old Spice
We embarked in search of the eldest spice
The legend spoke of one which striketh down thine ancient grievance
The smell which hath obstructed thine loins
For if thine elders did not wear it
Though wouldst not have been born
Track Name: Netflix
Dear Netflix, you don't have everything I want available in your instant queue.
Remember when you raised your prices? I was so mad.
800,000 people were also so mad. They unsubscribed.
And why can't you stream Edge of Honor with Corey Feldman?
I really want to watch it.
Track Name: Fox
Fox News! We're gonna give you all the info
Fox News! We're gonna hit you where you live
Fox News! We're always watching ever vigilant
Fox News! For any threat against conservatives
The world's on fire, it's the goddamn liberals fault!
Fair and balanced.
Track Name: Hershey
Hershey gives you the hershey squirts
and all their chocolate is half and half wax
They helped ban other imported chocolate cause they can't compete
Hershey the American Chocolate Bar...failure.
Track Name: Taco Bell
Taco Bell, please bring back the Chilito so we can get Hepatitis C again.
Que viva el Chilito! Que viva Hepatitis C! Mi mujer es muerta porque el chilito. Mi mujer es muy borracha, es muy bien. Que viva el Chilito! Que viva Hepatitis C!
Track Name: Gillette
Shaving supplies can get so much better
but King Camp Gillette thought stropping with leather
was just wasted time and millions affirmed this
but Gillette is now owned by Proctor & Gamble
Track Name: Swatch
Swatch, lasts forever like a bunny with a bass drum.
Track Name: HBO
It's not just television it's HBO
I got a pile of things to do after I binge on Game of Thrones
Plus True Detective plus what's happening on The Brink
How have the hours flown so fast, I should try to get some sleep
Tune in tomorrow, try again tomorrow.
Track Name: Samsung
Samsung eavesdrops through your smart TV
The info is transmitted to a third party
A shady corporation I guess they're all the same
Embezzlement and bribery corrupt down to the name of Samsung
Track Name: AT&T
To spy on humanity around the world was Alexander Graham Bell's vision
when he first started AT&T in 1876.
To listen in on gossip and be the first to sell said information to news outlets
was his life's goal and dream.
And now with advanced mobile services and the most reliable network available.
AT&T taps your phones and gives the information to the government
or any other 3rd party willing to pay for your life's secrets.
So go with AT&T and let's hope you don't have anything to hide.
Track Name: Burger King
You cannot always have it your way all the time, for instance ,
let's say you're a cow or a pig or a chicken or sometimes a horse.
You're corralled in a tiny pen pumped with hormones and medicine,
Your life's purpose is to sustain hairless apes in their blood soaked reign, of course.
Track Name: Skittles
Skittles full of corn syrup, genetically modified,
so when you get cancer, with medical bills so high,
you won't afford them. Death.
Track Name: Wells Fargo
I'm sinking deeper into the red
Creative timing on my charges turned my nothing into debt
The bankers squeal happily like pigs at the trough
Squeezing blood from out our zeroes at thirty five dollars a pop.
Track Name: Chevron
Chevron! Our gas is better that's why we charge more dummy.
Track Name: Goldman Sachs
Goldman Sachs! Give us your money and we'll make you rich!
Track Name: Ford
Ford trucks are so tough we're practically homophobic
Ford trucks are so tough we probably hate your gay nephew
We're like a rock and your gay nephew is not
Like a rock
Track Name: Snickers
Hunger makes a man, do a lot of things he doesn't want to do
All I wanted was a nibble of your Snickers, just a nibble or two
But it turns out you are selfish so you see this gun I'm packing
Better give me that damn candy bar or something bad will happen
Track Name: Supercuts
Supercuts are super we're the largest hair salon chain
We take care of your hair in case you wanted to know
Track Name: Anheuser Busch
Anheuser Busch it comes from water cold and pure
Unlike the water in this jerkwater berg, birth defects have no cure
Our boy's just barely smart enough to know that he is slow
Thank Christ for Anheuser Busch.
Track Name: Google
Google has the answer to every question. Even rhetorical ones, as well.
Track Name: ExxonMobil
I served aboard a tiny little tanker, but was a slave to a raging OCD
I swabbed the deck and cleaned the head could bounce a nickel off my bed
I was the cleanest roughneck ever took to sea
One fateful evening as I prepped to take the night watch
I read a telegram which rent my heart in twain
I crawled inside a deep Merlot dead drunk I didn't see the floor
Which breached the hull and left the ocean stained
Track Name: Microsoft
Microsoft is a company dedicated to a higher ideal
And Bill Gates knew the company should be named after his penis
So he used his hands to touch and feel
Track Name: Walmart
We're big, we're fucking dumb, we're coming to your town.
We're big, we're fucking terrible, we're coming on your town's face.
We're big, we're big, we're big.
Track Name: Heineken
People toss salad and that is life, Heineken tastes like your salad's tossed.
It's long for heine like a heineken, Heineken is dutch for a canine's ass.
Don't ask us how we know how a dog's ass smells, we're the 3rd largest brewer in the whole world.
Heineken tastes just like a dog's ass.
Track Name: The Olsen Twins
I fell in love in a New York Minute and it took two, instead of one.
I'd watch a snuff film if the Olsen girls were in it.
Ashley with a butcher knife. Mary-Kate with a big ass gun.
Track Name: Kelloggs
Since 1904, Kelloggs has been bringing the best to you each morning
because they're dedicated to your well being.
Their goal is to enrich and delight the world through foods that matter
so families can flourish and thrive.
You can trust in their wholesome advertising because that's the Kelloggs promise
It's the Kelloggs guarantee. Kelloggs sounds delicious.
Track Name: Amazon
It's a jungle out there, in your mind, without distractions
Without civilizations trappings do you feel like you might die?
Supplicate possessive patron saints
Materialistic matrons
Mighty amazons can save you from intrusive thoughts of death
Till death arrives.
Track Name: Coca Cola
Coke gave me a bloody nose but we've all had one of those
Coca Cola living the dream, I can do anything!
Coca Cola look at me now, avant garde man way far out
Coca Cola isn't this art or is it something else?
Track Name: Air Jordans
Demographics have it that there will be storm and static
If we don't use the right semantics when we try and sell you shoes
But your cynicism's rampant it can see through crappy rapping
We need ironic detachment subtly making you buy these shoes
Alright, oh yeah. Remember this guy?

Michael Jordan wears my shoes
And every night he sings the I wish I had my own shoe blues
Michael Jordan wears my shoes
And maybe one day all his hard work will result in some breaking news.
Track Name: The Republican Party
The Republican Party fights terror abroad
They lower the taxes and give everyone jobs
They love everybody and do all that they can
To make our lives better, every woman and man.
Track Name: The Democratic Party
We're gonna change the world, the future is looking bright
Everyone's gonna be free as a bird, free to do whatever the State thinks is right.
Springsteen is playing our benefit gala, televised right to your home
Corporate attitude couched in some platitudes helps our regime to prosper and grow.
Track Name: H&M
Hey man, where are....are we in a club? What? It's H&M? Is that a club?
Track Name: Victoria's Secret
Ooh, ooh, it's lacy and new and now I can stand to be around you
Honey dress up our frustrations and our deepest regrets
In hooks and under wire and thigh high fishnets.
Track Name: Subway
Azodicarbonamide. Subway.
Azodicarbonamide is the yoga mat chemical found in Subway sandwiches.
It's not good for you, they call it the yoga mat chemical.
Track Name: Monsanto
Look at this beautiful garden, the tomatoes and the carrots and peas
God himself couldn't make vegetables that look as good as these
Oh what an age we live in
Oh what a heaven on Earth
Cutting out the middleman when we grow it in a lab
We don't need no God or his stupid water and dirt
We're gonna fuck with genes tonight.
We're gonna eat like kings tonight.
Track Name: Chipotle
Chipotle, won't make burritos with melted cheese.
Track Name: Comcast
Twenty minutes on hold to sign up for your service is way too long Comcast.
Track Name: Dairy Queen
Forget your dead end job your nasty hateful spouse
Your rotten blood sucking kids listen to your id
Just keeping eating ice cream
Track Name: Whole Foods
Whole Foods where value matters
Whole Foods from a happy place
Whole Foods requires higher standards
Whole Foods whole people whole planet united as one, one day
Track Name: Disney
Welcome everyone to the richest scheme in history
Every parent's guilt is mollified buying the kids Disney
I saw phallic symbols on the cover of Little Mermaid
The priest got a boner but the lesson really takes the cake
That kids are smarter than their predecessors
and responsibility is really for schmucks
Track Name: McDonalds (Bonus Version A) (Disc 2)
Three happy meals makes me happy right away, when I super size each meal
I'm super sizing me for real and I can be a superhero celebrity superstar
McDonalds makes me happy
McDonalds makes me strong
McDonalds helps me work all day
To make my dreams come true McDonalds is the fuel
McDonalds I love you everlong